My Number

I woke up this morning when the lights came on. We are told they always come on at the same time, but we never know what time that is. It’s to give us a sense of the normal, they say. I blink my eyes onety-one times, sat up and turned to put on my fuzzies. After I put them on and took them off the proper number of times, I get up. I heard the click of the door unlock, and I went to open it. I tried really hard to fight my number, but my mind was still dreamy so it was easy for it to take control of my arm. I finally got through the door and walked to Mess. I got in line and counted the trays to find the onety-onest. I moved along, and the grumpy looking lady sploshed food onto my tray. I told her thank you, then went to find somewhere to sit. I saw my friend Oliver at a table, so I went to eat with him.

“Hello.” I said to him as I sat down.

“Hello.” He replied.

We ate our oatmeal in quiet. I stared at him taking every mouthful like I always do when we eat together. He told me that his stomach didn’t like it when he ate, and sometimes it would come back out. He was here because of that. We were paired together when I first got here, and they told me how hard it was to watch so many of us at once, so we had to help each other to get better. I made sure he ate and didn’t vomited back up all of his food, and he made sure I didn’t count. We finished our food in quiet, and then he took my tray, the onety-onest, and brought it back with our dirty bowls. My tray was no longer the onety-onest, and for a little while my number wanted me to go count the trays and find the onety-onest. Oliver came back before it made me, so it went away. My number was scared of Oliver, I always felt a little normaler when he was around. He then led me to talking time. I was still new here, and didn’t know all the places yet.

He left me in front of the door to therapy group; and I went in by myself. Oliver was not allowed in therapy group, he was a different kind of sick. I took my usual chair, and waited in quiet while the others came in. One girl, Gracie, was missing. When the doctor came in, I asked him where she was. He told me she had tried letting the blood out of her again, so they had put her in Bedhouse to make her feel better. I think I would like to visit Bedhouse, it sounds very fluffy. When I told the Doctor that, he said only people who really need to go to Bedhouse can go, if everyone took turns it wouldn’t have the same calming effect. I nodded, the doctor knew what was good for us. I took my seat again, and talking time began.

The doctor started the group like he always does, by saying welcome to each of us, one at a time. I waved when he said my name, and he smiled. In this session, we were supposed to give our thesorer a name. I named mine Rex because it sounds like a mean dinosaur chasing me. The doctor says that if we give our thesorer a name, it will help us want to get rid of it, and that we can see a difference between what we think and what they want us to think.

I walked out of talking time a little confused. If I had Rex in my head, how do I get him out? I walked over to a lady with a white doctorly coat and asked her. She smiled at me and bent a little to look me in the face.

“The more you talk about it, the more the doctors know about him and the more they can help you get rid of him.”

“So I have to make Rex go quiet?”

“Yes.” She smiled and walked away.

I think I understand. I’ll talk to the doctor tomorrow about it, I think I have some time with just him. I look at the clock on the wall and it says that it’s time for lunch. I head to Mess and get in the food line. When I get to the trays, I think of Rex and tell him that I will not listen to him today. I grab the tray that’s on top. My hand starts shaking but I don’t want to go back. This is my tray now, and I hold it against me. When I get to the mean splooshing lady, I smile at her and she gives me a sandwich and some red Jell-O that wiggles as I walked.

I didn’t see anyone I recognized, so I went to sit at a table by myself. I started eating my sandwich, roast beef and the yellow sauce, and a boy who looked a lot older than Oliver sat down. I smiled a little at him.

“My name is Derek, but everyone calls me Duke. What’s your name?” He asked me.

“Riley.” I replied, taking another bite of my sandwich.

He nodded, and smiled at me a little. He didn’t say anything, and we ate in quiet. I didn’t know why he was sitting with me, but it was nice not to eat alone. When I was done with my sandwich, and started on the Jell-O, I asked him why he sat with me.

“I have depression and I find that it always gets worse when I’m alone. So I make sure that no one is alone.”

I had heard the word depression before, but I didn’t know what it meant.

“What is depression?”

“It’s when your head gets sick, and you start feeling bad and lonely and you start thinking that maybe life would be better if you went to heaven.”

“Is that why you’re here? So that you don’t go to heaven?”

“Yeah it is, and so that the sickness in my head gets better.”

I saw that he didn’t have any Jell-O, and Jell-O always makes me smile when it jiggles, so I offered him the rest of mine.

“Maybe it will make you feel a little better.”

He smiled one of those big smiles that people usually save for when their picture is being taken.

“Thanks little buddy, but I don’t really like Jell-O, tastes too much like water. But it means a lot to me that you offered it.”

I made the Jell-O inside the cup jiggle, and pointed it out to him.

“I don’t like the taste much either, I just like the jiggle.”

He smiled. We spent a little while jiggling the Jell-O, then I finished it.

I said bye to Derek, he had to go to a session with one of the doctors. I put my tray away, and went to the computer room. We all had an hour that we could spend on the computer each day. They say it’s so that we don’t miss family and friends too much, and so that our mommies and daddies don’t worry about us. I know mommy still worries, but she worries about everything.

I get to the computer room, and sit at the computer closest to the window. I like being able to look outside. I log into the computer, and open my email. Mommy sent me an email with everything her and daddy did this weekend. She even put what they ate. I pressed the reply button to send her an email, and I tell her about the Jell-O. I spend the rest of my hour playing games and checking my club penguin.

I go to the library after, I sit in my favorite comfy chair and read a book. I’m getting better with words, and the lady with glasses behind the counter helps me with words I don’t know. She has a really nice voice, very soft like my cat Pogo’s fur. I finish reading the book I started about a week ago, it’s called the Neverending Story, but it did end, I finished it.

The library lady told me that the library was closing now, so that meant it was suppertime. I thanked her and went to Mess. I went to grab a tray and fought my number, but I think I was still in the book world, and I lost. I found the onety-onest tray and took it. Supper was Shepard’s pie. Me and Oliver ate together in quiet. The cooking ladies had put too much mashed potatoes, and not enough corn. I mixed it with a lot of red sauce to make it taste good.

After supper, I went to the funroom and Oliver let me play cards with him and a few other people. It’s called spoons and it was really fun. I laughed a lot.

The buzzer buzzed, telling us that it was almost bedtime. I brushed my teeth extra hard because I had eaten Jell-O today, and I didn’t want my teeth to go black. Mommy said that if I forgot to brush my teeth too many times, and ate too much dessert, they would fall out. Then I went to my room, took off my fuzzies, and crawled under my fluffy blanket.