My Number

I woke up this morning when the lights came on. We are told they always come on at the same time, but we never know what time that is. It’s to give us a sense of the normal, they say. I blink my eyes onety-one times, sat up and turned to put on my fuzzies. After I put them on and took them off the proper number of times, I get up. I heard the click of the door unlock, and I went to open it. I tried really hard to fight my number, but my mind was still dreamy so it was easy for it to take control of my arm. I finally got through the door and walked to Mess. I got in line and counted the trays to find the onety-onest. I moved along, and the grumpy looking lady sploshed food onto my tray. I told her thank you, then went to find somewhere to sit. I saw my friend Oliver at a table, so I went to eat with him.

“Hello.” I said to him as I sat down.

“Hello.” He replied.

We ate our oatmeal in quiet. I stared at him taking every mouthful like I always do when we eat together. He told me that his stomach didn’t like it when he ate, and sometimes it would come back out. He was here because of that. We were paired together when I first got here, and they told me how hard it was to watch so many of us at once, so we had to help each other to get better. I made sure he ate and didn’t vomited back up all of his food, and he made sure I didn’t count. We finished our food in quiet, and then he took my tray, the onety-onest, and brought it back with our dirty bowls. My tray was no longer the onety-onest, and for a little while my number wanted me to go count the trays and find the onety-onest. Oliver came back before it made me, so it went away. My number was scared of Oliver, I always felt a little normaler when he was around. He then led me to talking time. I was still new here, and didn’t know all the places yet.

He left me in front of the door to therapy group; and I went in by myself. Oliver was not allowed in therapy group, he was a different kind of sick. I took my usual chair, and waited in quiet while the others came in. One girl, Gracie, was missing. When the doctor came in, I asked him where she was. He told me she had tried letting the blood out of her again, so they had put her in Bedhouse to make her feel better. I think I would like to visit Bedhouse, it sounds very fluffy. When I told the Doctor that, he said only people who really need to go to Bedhouse can go, if everyone took turns it wouldn’t have the same calming effect. I nodded, the doctor knew what was good for us. I took my seat again, and talking time began.

The doctor started the group like he always does, by saying welcome to each of us, one at a time. I waved when he said my name, and he smiled. In this session, we were supposed to give our thesorer a name. I named mine Rex because it sounds like a mean dinosaur chasing me. The doctor says that if we give our thesorer a name, it will help us want to get rid of it, and that we can see a difference between what we think and what they want us to think.

I walked out of talking time a little confused. If I had Rex in my head, how do I get him out? I walked over to a lady with a white doctorly coat and asked her. She smiled at me and bent a little to look me in the face.

“The more you talk about it, the more the doctors know about him and the more they can help you get rid of him.”

“So I have to make Rex go quiet?”

“Yes.” She smiled and walked away.

I think I understand. I’ll talk to the doctor tomorrow about it, I think I have some time with just him. I look at the clock on the wall and it says that it’s time for lunch. I head to Mess and get in the food line. When I get to the trays, I think of Rex and tell him that I will not listen to him today. I grab the tray that’s on top. My hand starts shaking but I don’t want to go back. This is my tray now, and I hold it against me. When I get to the mean splooshing lady, I smile at her and she gives me a sandwich and some red Jell-O that wiggles as I walked.

I didn’t see anyone I recognized, so I went to sit at a table by myself. I started eating my sandwich, roast beef and the yellow sauce, and a boy who looked a lot older than Oliver sat down. I smiled a little at him.

“My name is Derek, but everyone calls me Duke. What’s your name?” He asked me.

“Riley.” I replied, taking another bite of my sandwich.

He nodded, and smiled at me a little. He didn’t say anything, and we ate in quiet. I didn’t know why he was sitting with me, but it was nice not to eat alone. When I was done with my sandwich, and started on the Jell-O, I asked him why he sat with me.

“I have depression and I find that it always gets worse when I’m alone. So I make sure that no one is alone.”

I had heard the word depression before, but I didn’t know what it meant.

“What is depression?”

“It’s when your head gets sick, and you start feeling bad and lonely and you start thinking that maybe life would be better if you went to heaven.”

“Is that why you’re here? So that you don’t go to heaven?”

“Yeah it is, and so that the sickness in my head gets better.”

I saw that he didn’t have any Jell-O, and Jell-O always makes me smile when it jiggles, so I offered him the rest of mine.

“Maybe it will make you feel a little better.”

He smiled one of those big smiles that people usually save for when their picture is being taken.

“Thanks little buddy, but I don’t really like Jell-O, tastes too much like water. But it means a lot to me that you offered it.”

I made the Jell-O inside the cup jiggle, and pointed it out to him.

“I don’t like the taste much either, I just like the jiggle.”

He smiled. We spent a little while jiggling the Jell-O, then I finished it.

I said bye to Derek, he had to go to a session with one of the doctors. I put my tray away, and went to the computer room. We all had an hour that we could spend on the computer each day. They say it’s so that we don’t miss family and friends too much, and so that our mommies and daddies don’t worry about us. I know mommy still worries, but she worries about everything.

I get to the computer room, and sit at the computer closest to the window. I like being able to look outside. I log into the computer, and open my email. Mommy sent me an email with everything her and daddy did this weekend. She even put what they ate. I pressed the reply button to send her an email, and I tell her about the Jell-O. I spend the rest of my hour playing games and checking my club penguin.

I go to the library after, I sit in my favorite comfy chair and read a book. I’m getting better with words, and the lady with glasses behind the counter helps me with words I don’t know. She has a really nice voice, very soft like my cat Pogo’s fur. I finish reading the book I started about a week ago, it’s called the Neverending Story, but it did end, I finished it.

The library lady told me that the library was closing now, so that meant it was suppertime. I thanked her and went to Mess. I went to grab a tray and fought my number, but I think I was still in the book world, and I lost. I found the onety-onest tray and took it. Supper was Shepard’s pie. Me and Oliver ate together in quiet. The cooking ladies had put too much mashed potatoes, and not enough corn. I mixed it with a lot of red sauce to make it taste good.

After supper, I went to the funroom and Oliver let me play cards with him and a few other people. It’s called spoons and it was really fun. I laughed a lot.

The buzzer buzzed, telling us that it was almost bedtime. I brushed my teeth extra hard because I had eaten Jell-O today, and I didn’t want my teeth to go black. Mommy said that if I forgot to brush my teeth too many times, and ate too much dessert, they would fall out. Then I went to my room, took off my fuzzies, and crawled under my fluffy blanket. 

The Colour Blue

Blue is the colour you see,
When a small bird flies by.
It is the colour of freedom,
For it is both sea and sky.

A Constant Battle

They came for me one night
As I was lying in bed
Thinking about my homework,
I was stuck in my head.
I saw the darkness creeping
Gently through the window
Their shadows against my wall
Slowly crawling on my pillow.
I couldn't make a sound as they
Make my head their home
Enclosed my thoughts and feelings
In  maze of catacombs.
My mind was lost, they wasted no time
The demons invaded my space,
Broke everything inside, yet
Left without a trace.
My nightmares came more and more,
To my absolute horror
They started invading my days
I felt so much shame, I couldn't walk past a mirror.
My words began to leave me,
Soon I was unable to talk at all,
Every time I tried to speak
My words would hit a wall.
They slowly merged and festered
The darkness inside stared to grow,
It took root in my heart
And fed off my sorrow.
I had a tree of darkness
Deep within my soul,
No amount of medicine
Could get it under control.
It was a constant reminder of my pain
I could no longer stand to have it there,
I went to my mother and said
To you, my soul, I bear.
I have a darkness inside me
That will no go away,
No matter how much light I shine
It just seems here to stay.
I don't know what to do anymore
With these demons in my head
They are constantly pushing me towards it,
I know they want me dead.
I can't fight them off much longer
My voice is growing numb,
I'm here to ask for help
To get them under my thumb.
Together we went looking
For someone to help me save
Myself from these demons,
Teach them to behave.
We found a wonderful doctor
Who agreed to take me on
She said she was by my side
Until all the demons were gone.
It would be hard work she said,
But I should not be scared
For demons will never come back
Because I would be prepared.
Placing my trust in her was hard,
I went to see her twice a week
At first I saw no progress
But slowly I started to speak.
I told her about the things inside
In return she armed me with tools,
That made the demons a little fewer
Those who remained learned strict rules.
The weight of my heart became lighter,
The tree grew smaller
As I cut it branch by branch,
My world slowly went from black and white to colour.
I started to notice it when I saw
The vibrant blue of a blue jay,
Next was the yellow of a sunflower
To celebrate I bought myself a bouquet.
Finally I could permit myself to talk about what
Had happened to me,
I knew there were others out there,
And now that I was finally free
I could possibly help others
Who fell ill to the same demons as me,
Help them unlock their potential
Teach them that they are not a nobody.
Some days are impossibly hard, and
The demons have come back now
It is harder to fight them off,
But I know with help they will surely bow.
It is an on going battle,
Just like cancer,
It can come back some day
But now I have the answer.
I know how to fight my demons,
Even if these ones are new
I will fight them off as I did the others,
I will show them that I grew.
The tree is still within me
But it has much changed,
It is no longer of darkness,
Crooked or deranged.
It was fused with my spine,
And helps to hold me straight.
It reminds me what would have happened
If I had let the demons decide my fate.

Her Oncoming Storm

Her laughter echoed off the cliffs,
Carried by the winds
Announcing the coming of a storm.
A handful of petals
Swirled in the breeze,
Thrown by her little sister
Who wished she had seen
The signs warning her
Of the oncoming storm
Before it was too late.
This one was much
Like the one she had
Inside.
Little warning before
The rain began,
Then came the thunder, like
Angels, chanting her fate.
The scariest of all,
Lightning,
Was to help her find her way.
She had been a hurricane,
A beautiful and perfect storm,
Towards the end she was
A boat, lost at sea.
Once in the Eye of the storm,
She felt the sun on her skin,
The beautiful warmth,
The peace,
And followed the Eye
Into uncharted territories.

Some People Are Black Holes

She was as big as the universe,
Enough love for everyone
Who needed some of her strength.
You could see suns in her eyes,
Hear worlds unknown
In her laugh,
Imagine a whole universe
Pulsing to her heartbeat.
She was told she was too
Proud, too big,
Too loving
To fit in this world.
They tried and tried again
To bring her down to their size,
Until finally
A black hole appeared in her galaxies
Taking everything with it, leaving
Nothing but a porcelain doll,
Fragile and delicate.
One more little push
Made her shatter.
She tried rebuilding herself,
Tried to hold
What her once strong arms
Could, but collapsed under the weight.
She worked up the courage
To ask for help, and
Received it.
She is rebuilding herself,
Piece by piece
Relighting the stars in her constellations
One by one.

In the Dark of Night

When the sun falls below the horizon,
And the stars come out,
That is when you find yourself completely alone.
It is a time for reflection on oneself,
For deep thoughts and big decisions.
The dark that scared us so much as children
Now liberates us
And allows us to be ourselves,
Even if the moon is our only witness.
Things are different at night,
The world seems peaceful,
Filled with endless possibilities
For adventure.
In the middle of the night,
When the world is sleeping,
Look up at the stars.
You realize that you are alone,
Alone with your thoughts and feeling,
With your inner demons.
In the dark of night
Many people find themselves,
For only when you are truly alone
Can you hear your heartbeat,
And finally understand
What it is trying to tell you.

Leaders of Tomorrow

My generation has a right to be angry,
Angry at the dying world
We are inheriting from our parents.
Angry, at the senseless acts of discrimination
That are considered the norm
To the eyes of most.
We are the leaders of tomorrow,
Yet we are called lazy,
Technology-addicted,
And good for nothing.
Have you ever stopped to think
That the rising levels of anxiety
And depression
In teenagers today
Are linked to this problem?
By the judgment alone
Of the media,
And of the impossible beauty standards
We have to comply to.
By the perfect grades we must get,
And the enormous tuition
We must work two jobs,
And 50 hours a week
To pay off.
This was not our doing,
For we were but infants
When the previous generations
Decided our fate.
They decided that this would be
Our problem,
Think about it for a moment,
We must save the planet,
It's animals and it's plants,
But not start any wars,
Or offend anyone.
We must be the saviors of humanity,
The light in the dark.
We have been given
An impossible task
By the leaders of yesterday.
All that we are asking
Is that history
Not judge us too harshly,
For the people and the leaders we will need to become,
In order to survive.

Empires

Enough.
It is time for a change.
We will no longer stand by,
We will not let you hand us
A broken world.
We have had enough,
Enough of this game of power.
Our sisters dismissed,
For no other reason than their gender.
Our forests and wildlife,
Sacrificed to Greed.
Our youth, unable to find work,
And burdened with enormous debt
From an education they were told they needed.
History says that Empires
Collapse from within.
Well hold tight my darling,
For here it comes.
The tidal wave, the earth-shaking
Last drop that sends us all over
Into darkness, while the ones in power
Struggle to stay on top.
Things must change,
People must be taught once more
How to care for others,
That we cannot eat our money,
Nor can it buy us a better world.
Our blindness to what truly matters
Demonstrates our ignorance of our race,
For how can we help others,
When we cannot help ourselves.
In a world where promoting equality
Is considered a threat,
Where the color of your skin
Determines your worth.
Humanity is not cattle,
We are not simple machines
That exist only for revenue,
And easily replaced once broken.
This is how the world works now,
And this must change,
For an Empire that ignores its people
Is an Empire destined to fall.

The World We Find In Books

Once a reader always a reader, they
Would tell me, as I opened a new book,
And discovered a new world. I made new
Friends, and for a moment, they were real.

When I was told reading was nerdy, and
Deeply frowned upon, I was confused. My
Young mind could not understand why people
Despised these innocent words on a page.

Many years, and many books later, I
Have come to the conclusion that people
Are scared of books, of the worlds, of the themes,
The ideas that are held within them.

They don't want us asking questions, so that
We may believe everything they say, that
This is where we belong, and we should not
Aspire to anything greater. They are

Greedy, feeding the uneducated,
The close-minded, and the extremists. Books
Free the reader of reality, make
Them understand that there is hope for a

Better world. One where people are free to
Chose their own path, make their own lives, away
From religious or patriarchal ways,
Freeing the oppressed, giving them a voice.

The Music of the Storm

You looked up at the clouds
And saw the darkness coming.
You braced yourself for a violent storm,
For thunder, lightning
And never-ending rain.
You stocked up on provisions,
On blankets and books,
So as to pass the time,
And not have to go out
While the storm ran its course.
The rain started it off,
With its soothing rhythm
Varying in tempo and in strength.
Then came the thunder,
As loud as angel's drums,
Shaking the house and scaring the dog.
It added substance to the music,
The deep bass, the heartbeat
To accompany the main melody.
Finally came the lightning,
For what is music without a good show.
It lit up the sky, one second at a time,
Adding magic to the whole affair.
You put down your book to watch the show,
Knowing that nothing created by humans
Would ever equal Nature's beauty.
Slowly, the lightning became less frequent,
Then took its final bow.
Thunder quickly followed,
But refused to slowly fade.
Instead, went out in style,
Shaking the earth one last time.
Soon you were only left with the rain,
The soothing, calming melody,
That filled the background as you continued to read.
Slowly, carefully,
So as to fulfill its promise to the audience,
The rain began to fade.
A hundred pages later, you look up from your book.
Only to look out the window,
And find the show has ended.
The dark clouds are gone, the sun is shining bright,
And you can't help but to smile
At the rainbow in your sight.